I have chronic illness.

It does not define me.

But it is hard.

This post is about singing my way through the darkest days- through the loneliness, hopelessness, and fear. This post is about how GOD SHOWS UP and carries us.

…

I have dealt with chronic illness for years.  Someday I’ll get around to sharing my story of pain, discovery, healing, relapse, and coping.  My heart is too heavy tonight and my body is in a great deal of pain- so I will give you the short version for now.

I was 6 months postpartum with my first child when I started having severe insomnia.  It’s amazing how God puts the right people in your life when you need them.  I am forever grateful for a dear friend who listened to the Spirit’s prompting and suggested I get my thyroid checked.  Im also grateful that my birth experience with my child taught me to advocate for myself- this is a skill that would come in handy a year down the road as I would advocate for my son.  I actually had to visit multiple doctors before I found one that would agree to do a simple blood test for my thyroid.  They gave me a pill and sent me on my way.

I didn’t even know how miserable I felt until I was feeling a little better.  It was incredible, until it wasn’t anymore.  That started the journey of specialist, tests, more specialist, and the heartache I have experienced these past 7 years.  Truly I have felt miserable for nearly half my life- and yet I have a beautiful family and God still uses me for His glory.  God has provided so many times over in this health journey.

One day this last month I was struggling and spiraling into what I can only describe as darkness.  The week before a dear friend mentioned a video (which I will link below)… she said it made her think of me when she watched it.  When she mentioned it I thought “huh, that doesn’t really apply to me right now but I’ll file it away in my head”. Well that week I had an excruciating day and I’m so thankful I remembered she mentioned this video.

I sat on my living room floor folding a mound of clothes, listening to this video with headphones and silently worshiping the Lord.  I cried out to God asking him to take all of the pain and hopelessness- As I did so I heard God speak to me saying “This will not hinder you. I am still good. I gave you a promise and I am fulfilling it.” About an hour later I was singing this song and looked out the window just as the sun poked out through a small part in the storm clouds and God said “you see, this is for you.  I am your sunlight- I am here.”

My friends-   I am learning to lean on God more and more. The older I get the more I understand the power of pure worship- it’s not about music, or singing, or perfection… it’s a place of surrender.  In the loneliness of chronic illness I have come to depend on my moments of worship- my moments of utter surrender to the Lord.

There are days when I am overwhelmed and exhausted- when it’s all I can do to reach out to a few people for prayer as I feel myself slipping into the darkness and depression. Those are days I feel like Moses and I need people like Aaron to hold my arms up as I worship the Lord.  Im thankful to have people like that in my life- we all need it.

That’s all I have for now…

Listen or watch the videos above.

Read the lyrics below.

Melissa Helser has a POWERFUL testimony and my heart resonates with her words. I pray her words touch you as well and offer you some healing today.

CATCH THE WIND

I am strong and full of life
I am steadfast, no compromise
I lift my sails to the sky
I’m gonna catch the wind, I’m gonna catch the wind

I am bold, no fear inside
Spread my wings, open my life
Like an eagle, whose home is the sky
I’m gonna catch the wind, I’m gonna catch the wind

Your faithfulness will never let me down
I’m confident I’ll see Your goodness now
I know You hear my heart, I’m singing out
There’s nothing that can stop Your goodness now

Like standing on the edge of a mountainside
I can feel the wind stirring, lifting me up high
I was born into freedom, I was made to fly

© 2016 Bethel Music Publishing (ASCAP) / Alletrop Music (BMI) (admin. by Music Services) / Molly Skaggs (ASCAP) (Admin by Bethel Music Publishing). All Rights Reserved.