My soul knows that GOD is good.

God is for me.

God is for you too.

You are a child of God, you are valuable, you are chosen, you are accepted, you are loved, you are precious, you are wanted.

I know I haven’t written in a while.  Honestly it’s been a REALLY hard summer for me.

There has been so much change in our lives these past few months that I hid myself away in a hole in order to cope.  Here is a little recap:

At the end of May we discovered that we would be moving (hopefully) by the end of June.  We have been on the waitlist for a gorgeous duplex with so much extra space for over 2.5 years!  Finally our name was up, and assuming our paperwork went through, the place was ours!  So I began packing, and praying that the paperwork wouldn’t fall through as I already gave notice on our current lease.  It was a SUPER stressful 3 weeks as we waited for the all clear- which we got 10 days before we had to be out of our home!

I also got my official diagnoses of Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (HEDS) and POTS in June.  We had suspected- but there is something strange about finally having a doctor tell you those words.  After 7 YEARS of seeing specialist and being told it was in my head, I FINALLY HAD A DIAGNOSIS!  It was very bittersweet; HEDS is a genetic disorder that I will have for life with very little treatment options.

There have been other major life shifts, and all I can say is that we have been very blessed in this season of our lives.  But somehow in all that goodness, answered prayer, and blessing—–

I FELT LOST

I felt so overwhelmed. I knew I was slipping into one of my dark moods and I felt helpless to combat it.  I no longer felt inspired.  I no longer felt hopeful.  My joy was slowly draining away as I sat at home with my kids day by day.  It was as if the very essence of me was slipping away.  I told my husband I could feel it, but I didn’t know how to break free.  I didn’t feel good- my body hurt- I was sick- I was lonely.

Something you need to know about me is I am a major extrovert.  I thrive around people.  I NEED human interaction… ADULT human interaction.  It fills my soul and brings me joy.

When I slip into this state of anxiety and depression- I fully pull away from people. Its as if I don’t know how to be me- I am but a shadow of myself.

The thing about anxiety is that it is SO isolating.  It is full of guilt, missed deadlines, fear, and hopelessness. Even in the midst of great and beautiful blessings- I couldn’t find the joy or the strength.

Then God nudged me with a song…

How wonderful is God- HE SOUGHT ME OUT!

When I couldn’t find my way to truth and life felt impossibly far from me, HE SOUGHT ME OUT!

When I cried to Him in desperation because I felt lost, HE SOUGHT ME OUT!

When I chose numbness over pain, HE SOUGHT ME OUT!

How did He seek me?  With music of course.  If you have looked at my posts or know me, you know that music flows through me in a tangible way.  I can see music as colors and I feel music deeply- I always have.  I am a worship leader.

These words touched me so deeply- God spoke to me when I tried singing along because they didn’t feel sincere.  How, after all these recent blessings, could I be struggling to sing such basic words as “God your so good”?!

Then the bridge:

I am blessed, I am called

I am Healed, I am whole

I am saved in Jesus’ name

Highly favored, anointed

Filled with your power

For the glory of Jesus’ name

Why was this SOOO hard to sing?

Because I felt NONE of these things.  I had to be honest with myself.  I didn’t feel healed, whole, called, favored, anointed, or filled with power.

I felt sick, broken, uninspired, without purpose, powerless, uncalled, unqualified, and like a failure.  

As I stood there at the altar- ugly crying- two wonderful Godly women approached me and began to speak life into me.  One said that God does not change his mind- when I was healed last fall… that means I was healed.  That satan has been attacking my identity- but that I have power over all of it.  The other woman encouraged me to write out a list of who GOD says I am- she called it the “what my soul knows” list.  She said that the feeling of being lost is exactly the kind of lie satan wants us to believe- he does this by slowly getting us to believe lies about who we are.

Suddenly their words range true.  Satan was attacking my family.  He had been whispering lies in my ear- I was feeling sick, broken, uninspired, without purpose, powerless, uncalled, unqualified, and a failure because he was telling me these lies!  Somehow in there I began to believe them again, and in doing so I WAS BECOMING INEFFECTIVE.  Ineffective in ministry, in my home, as a mom, a wife, and a witness.

So I made my list.  Here is what my soul knows:

I am a child of God (John 1:12)

My old self was crucified with Christ, and I am no longer a slave to sin! (Romans 6:6)

I will NOT be condemned by God (Romans 8:1)

I am accepted by Christ (Romans 15:1)

I am CHOSEN! (Ephesians 1:4)

The peace of God guards my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7)

I am complete (Colossians 2:10)

I am beloved (1 Thessalonians 1:4)

I am valuable (Genesis 2:7, Genesis 1:26-28, Psalms 139:4, 13, 14, 16, Psalms 8:5-8, Matthew 10:30-31)

I can do ALL things through Christ (Phillipians 4:13)

I am anointed (Luke 4:18)

My soul knows that GOD is good.

God is for me.

God is for you too.

You are a child of God, you are valuable, you are chosen, you are accepted, you are loved, you are precious, you are wanted.

Lets kill that destructive inner narrative.  Let’s break those chains! 

I am a blessed woman of GOD!

I am inspired, I have purpose, I have power in Christ, I am called, I am NOT a failure.